转贴：路先生对To Spring的点评

海外逸士的原诗：

Oh you, sweet Spring, alight from cherub's wing,
And put the ugly winter full to flight;

And rouse the Earth to smile, and larks to sing,
With skies so bright and hearts of youth so light.

Your gentle and genial breaths each blossom blow
While bees in gardens hum the lullabies.
The hills and dales are stripp'd of mantles of snow,
And streams and rivers freed from irons of ice.

May seasons all be Spring--the pride of years,
That all the things would e'er in glories gleam!
May men be ever in the prime of years!
But dream, however sweet, is but a dream.

If happy when you come and sad when gone,
Would that you'd never come or never gone!

点评：

第一节
Oh you, sweet Spring, alight from cherub's wing,
And put the ugly winter full to flight;
And rouse the Earth to smile, and larks to sing,
With skies so bright and hearts of youth so light.

评：
1.        第一行最后一个字wing是个可数名词，你要么加冠词用它的单数，要么用它的复数，不能这么无依无托地使用它。
2.        第二行的put是个动词，它应该有个主语。不论这个主语在诗歌里出现不出现，在意念上它必须存在。这里的主语应该是you。如果是，那么为什么要在它前面加一个and呢？这是第一个动词，前面的alight是形容词。
3.        第二行后面用的是分号。分号是什么？分号相当于句号（当然还有其他用处），与句号不同处是句号后要用大写另起一个句子，分号后不必用大写另起一个句子。所以第三行的动词rouse前面的主语you就被这个分号断开了（句掉了），使这个rouse失去了主语。
4.        第三行And rouse the Earth to smile, and larks to sing，其中的动词rouse是the Earth和larks的动作发出者。如果是，那为什么要在and前面用一个逗号把larks逗开？
5.        什么叫Hearts of youth？难道你说the hands of me而不说my hands?

第二节
Your gentle and genial breaths each blossom blow
While bees in gardens hum the lullabies.
The hills and dales are stripp'd of mantles of snow,
And streams and rivers freed from irons of ice.
评：
1.        第一行Your gentle and genial breaths each blossom blow的语法乱七八糟的，错得一塌糊涂：
•        首先，哪个是主语？是Your gentle and genial？如果是，它们是形容词，不能做主语；
•        如果是Your gentle and genial breaths，那么谓语在哪里？找不到。
•        如果breaths是谓语，breath不能做动词。
•        如果breaths未做动词用，是做名词用，它不可数，不能加s。
•        如果each blossom blow前面没有一个使动词，即没有诸如make sth do这个结构的话，那么each blossom就不能blow，而要blows。
2.        The hills and dales are stripp'd of mantles of snow, / And streams and rivers freed from irons of ice这两个句子一出来，内行立马就知道你英语是外行。
3.        Iron是物质名词，物质名词不可数。iron一数，它就成了镣铐／熨斗了。

第三节
May seasons all be Spring--the pride of years,
That all the things would e'er in glories gleam!
May men be ever in the prime of years!
But dream, however sweet, is but a dream.

评：
1.        the pride of years是几年？三年？五年？还是百年？这里的years不能用复数形式，用定冠词表类别比较好；
2.        That all the things would e'er in glories gleam，这里的that怎么来的？
3.        the prime of years，同１，时间概念不清楚。

第四节
If happy when you come and sad when gone,
Would that you'd never come or never gone!

评：
1.        这两句是什么意思？前半句是从”你来时快乐去时悲”翻译成英语的吧？这两个句子，特别是第二个句子，英语读者看不懂其确切意思。你是不是想说
If you’re happy to come and sad to leave，
Just stay! Why do you ever come and leave?
2.        第一行里的when gone可勉强通过，第二行里的gone就不能用了，因为be gong表示状态，你这里需要表示动作。